Almost 6 years

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I don’t have much to say. I’m not expecting comments. After almost 6 years of being raped and almost 4 years without seeing my rapist I saw him at my best friends funeral tonight. That’s it. I don’t know what else to say besides the feeling of feeling collapsed. 


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33 comments

  1. dzreid Volunteer

    Alyssa,
    I’m so sorry that you had to go to your best friend’s funeral & have to see the person who violated you. I’m glad you came & shared! I hope you can find hope & encouragement from the comments. AVFTI are all here for you. I like your choice of words to describe how you are feeling (“collapsed”) To me just to be able to put any word down to describe how you feel shows how strong you really are.
    Dawn

  2. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Alyssa,
    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you had to go through that during one of the saddest situations. I hope you are staying strong.
    Thank you for coming to us, we are always here if you find yourself having more to say.
    – Lexi

  3. Shannon Volunteer

    Hey Alyssa,

    I am so sorry you had to go through that and for the loss of your best friend, that alone is such a tough thing to go through. Thank you for coming back and sharing your feelings with us. Remember we are always here to listen and support you. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  4. zoeyb

    hi alyssa,

    I am so sorry you had to go through that, especially in such an already saddening situation. I’m so sorry you had to experience the loss of your friend, my thoughts are with you. But gosh, you are so incredibly strong. Please know that we are here for you. I hope that you are feeling a bit less collapsed since some time has passed since you originally posted- we will always be here to listen and support you if you want to let us know how you are.

    much love,
    zoey

  5. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Your feelings are expected and definitely add weight to the progress you’ve made thus far with your experience. I hope simply acknowledging this here on AVFTI helps a little bit in terms of gaining reassurance that we support you and the strength that you have built thus far in your journey. Therefore, this extra weight may be an obstacle for you but you have years on your experience and have the strength to push through this hard time. You are strong!

  6. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Alyssa,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story with AVFTI. We are all here for you. No matter how long it has been it can be really hard to see your rapist in public. It’s like seeing a part of your past that you want to forget and move on from. Talking to someone that knows what happened might help you work your way back from feeling collapsed. Distracting yourself by hanging out with family or friends could also be super helpful.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  7. Natalie M Day Captain

    Alyssa,

    You are so incredibly strong. Thank you for sharing with us. It must have been a very difficult night for you with all that was going on. A reminder for you in case you still need it: we are here for you always and we will always support you! It is okay to not feel okay sometimes. You just have to remember to put yourself and your needs first. Your feelings are valid! You are so strong for making it through that night!

    I, and AVFTI, are always here for you whenever you need it! Stay strong!

    Sending lots of love and support! <3
    -Natalie

  8. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Alyssa,

    Thanks for writing to us. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you. Please know that we’re here for you if you ever want to talk about anything. Stay strong. You can pull through this.

    Marissa

  9. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey Alyssa,

    Thanks for sharing with us. It can be really stressful seeing an assailant again, no matter how much time has passed since the event. I hope you are feeling a little better. Please don’t hesitate to come back if you want to share more. Stay strong!!

    Sending you all love and support,
    Bre

  10. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Alyssa,
    My response is a little on the later side, but I truly hope you are feeling better. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and upset when you see someone who caused you harm. Adding that to the grief of losing your best friend is beyond overwhelming. I am so sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing with us and for trusting us in your moment of need. No advice, just well wishes and a big hug.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  11. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Hello Alyssa,

    I am so sorry you had to go through that horrific experience and see him again recently. Your feelings and emotions are completely validated, and we are here for you no matter what. Try to take it easy and focus on self care. Try to take it one day at a time too. You deserve it.

    We are always here when you need us.

    Katie

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much. I appreciate you responding. I’ve been getting better and everyday has been getting easier.

  12. Knina7 Volunteer

    Alyssa,
    I am sorry that you had to go through that, loosing your best friend sounds terrible enough and then adding to that must be hard. You don’t have to say anything else right now. Please remember that you are not alone, and we are always here for you.
    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much. I really appreciate all the love that everyone has given me here.

  13. Ashley Day Captain

    Hi Alyssa,

    It’s okay that you don’t have much to share. Attending funerals can bring up a variety of unpleasant emotions and I’m thinking that seeing the person who raped you exacerbated those feelings. I’m sorry that you lost your best friend. If you want to provide our community with an update, please know that we’re willing to listen. If you want to message me on Slack, I’m here.

    Thank you for taking the time to tell us about what happened and hang in there <3

    Ashley

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much. I really appreciate you responding. I’ve been getting better everyday and today I’ve been feeling the best. I’ll definitely update everyone for sure.

  14. Kayla Volunteer

    Alyssa,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your best friend. That must be a terrible loss. Seeing your rapist sounds awful and exhausting on top of a sad event. You don’t have to say anymore. We are here for you if later you feel the urge to write and share again with us. I encourage you to focus on self care right now – what are some coping mechanisms that you have used?

    Sending you love,
    Kayla

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      I’ve been listening to a lot of music and just keeping myself busy with little things like laundry, cleaning my fish tank, and being with supportive friends and family. Thank you for responding and thank you for the kind words.

  15. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Alyssa,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you and that your friend died. It can be extremely difficult seeing your abuser again, especially in that situation and after not seeing them for so long. It can definitely be very jarring. Know that we are always here for you in whatever you need. You can also see our ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page.

    You are strong and you will get through this,
    Megan

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank yo so much. I’ve been doing better. I’ve been taking time for myself and I appreciate you responding.

  16. Lizzi

    Hi Alyssa,
    I’m so sorry that you had to see your rapist again after all that time. I can imagine that might have felt really scary and upsetting. I’m also so sorry for the loss of your best friend. It’s understandable that you’re feeling collapsed, and that’s okay. You’re going through a lot right now and seeing your rapist made things even harder. Be kind with yourself and take the time you need to heal.

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you. I’ve been getting better as the days go on. I’m still mourning, but I have a great support team.

  17. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Alyssa,

    I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be losing your best friend. I am so sorry for your loss. Then to see your rapist at their funeral… the whirlwind of emotions you must be feeling is unreal. If you ever need to get some stuff off of your chest, feel free to come on here and talk to us. We will always be here for you no matter what. Do you have anyone close in your life that you might be able to lean on for support during these difficult times? Regardless, we can and always will be that support system for you too. Should you need us. I am sending big hugs your way and a lot of love, and hope. Hope to see you again soon <3

    – Jordan

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you! That means so so much. I really have no words for the amount of support that you have all given me. I have been talking to my sister, girlfriend, Jamie, and Jacqui. I’ve been getting better and feeling better as the days go on. I really appreciate you responding.

  18. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry you had to see him committed at a really traumatic place. I understand seeing a person who committed a heinous act and being in the same room is difficult. We are here for you and know that we are your safe space for you. We truly care for you and please take care of yourself.

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot. I honestly when I wrote this was in a really bad place and I’m doing better. Thank you again.

  19. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi Alyssa,

    I’m sorry that you had to see him there, of all places. I’m sorry you had to see him at all. We are here for you. Please let us know if you need anything.

    Erin

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much! I really appreciate you responding. I’m doing better now.

  20. musicislove

    Hi Alyssa,

    Seeing the person who violated you so extremely is already one of the hardest things to deal with but seeing them at a best friend’s funeral had to be so terrible and probably made it so much worse. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and feel like this now. Try to be kind to yourself, like music2799 said, writing down things that make you happy is a great idea. I hope you’re able to sleep and that you can do something you love tomorrow!

    Delaney

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much! it took me a little bit to read the comments because I needed to clear my head, but I wrote and did things that made me happy. I’m doing better now and I really appreciate you responding. Thank you so much!

  21. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Alyssa,
    First off, I’m truly sorry for your loss, what you’ve been through, and the fact that you saw your assailant. I understand why it’s so hard to put your feelings into words, and it’s not easy to cope with seeing an assailant at all. It’s exhausting and scary, and your feelings are 100% valid. I unfortunately know from experience.
    I have a few recommendations about how to cope with this. One would be to tell someone you trust about how you feel, such as a friend, therapist, etc. You could also write about it, then take some time to do what you enjoy. In my case, I write about how I feel, then I write about what I can do to feel better (then I do those things). Giving yourself time to process it as well as relax may help you feel better.
    Thank you for sharing with us. We’re here to support you, and we’re glad to help. Please write back if you need anything. You are strong, and you can get through this.

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much your words mean a lot. I appreciate the advice. I’m definitely going to write. I like your idea of writing down things that make you happy that you want to do and do it. I’m going to try that tomorrow because I’m going to go to sleep soon. I can’t thank you enough.

      1. music2799 Day Captain

        I’m so glad I could help. I hope writing helps you feel better!