All the Ugly Parts

I have actually already told my story. At first just to my mom, then whispered through tears to my youth pastor’s wife. And then much much later after several therapy sessions and 18 months in an emotional health 12 step program I told my story to a group of 50 people. I have tried my best to embrace my story and am fairly open about it with people who are willing to ask. But, what I haven’t ever said aloud to anyone are details. I don’t want to use ugly harsh sexual words. I don’t want people to be made uncomfortable by what specifically happened. As gross as it is, I’m nagged by that sometimes. I have people in my life who care about me and would listen if I asked them to, but I don’t want to put that burden on another person. It’s enough that they know the broad strokes. Anyway. Heres what I have never said out loud. What no one else knows.

The very first time something happened, my dad asked my to come in his room so we could talk. I don’t remember what about. He was in his underwear and asked if I wanted to see a trick. He said that he could make his wee wee spit. He masturbated to completion in front of me. I was weirded out instead of being impressed but he told me not to tell so I didn’t.

Our times together were always under the pretence of a movie night. So during movies and under the guise of him educating me about sex he started giving me oral sex. I was 7 or 8 and hadn’t felt any kind of sexual pleasure before. In my head it was right on the edge of being painful because of how foreign it was. But I enjoyed it.

He sucked on my nipples and said that my older sister wouldn’t let him do that anymore. She got too big and it embarrassed her. I promised him no matter how old I got I would always be his baby.

Once, he left his room to tell my brothers to turn down the TV. The language was terrible “all I can hear is MF this and MF that. You’re sister is still awake”. He was concerned about preserving my innocence when he had been groping me 2 minutes before.

He talked about his and my mom’s sex life and said that his favorite thing was when she would put his penis in her mouth. Thankfully, the abuse ended before he worked all the way to asking that of me.  I cannot express how grateful I am that I never had to do that.

Towards the end, there was an incident that I have always wondered if it was actual sex. I remember He had to go get vasaline. He had me roll over and I felt like he was crushing me. It could have been 30 seconds or 5 minutes. I don’t know. And I don’t know if that was the loss of my virginity.

I am 24 now. And have been working hard on trying to put my life together. My sexual purity is very very important to me. It’s a promise I made to God to save myself for marriage. It haunts me not knowing for sure if I am a virgin. If I am not, it was not by choice and would not count against me. But I wish I knew what happened.

The shame that is the hardest to let go of was the fact that I felt pleasure when he went down on me. That was the only thing I ever asked him to do without prompting. Sometimes during masturbation, his face will enter my mind unbidden and I worry that when I do start having sex, I will be haunted by memories of the past instead of being in the moment with the man I love.

This is disgusting and I’m sorry to whoever ends up reading it. I just needed to say the entire truth out loud.

Thank you for letting me share.


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28 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    HI Beka-Faith,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so amazingly brave for sharing that with us, and I am so sorry for what you had to go through at such a young age. I want you to know that everything you’re feeling is normal and common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. If your first and only experiences with sexuality were the ones you mentioned, it makes sense that you often think about them. I also want you to know that I believe that regardless of went on specifically, you are still pure in God’s eyes. You did not choose what happened to you, and I believe a loving God would never judge someone based on something horrible that happened to them. I know you mentioned that you’ve been in therapy, but if you haven’t checked out, there are therapists that specialize in sexuality, and I think it might be beneficial for you to speak to someone who can explain to you how sexual trauma affected your brain, and how you can have healthy sexual relationships in the future.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. eagle206

    Hi Beka-Faith94,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. We believe you and we are all here for you. I am sorry that you had to deal with your father doing this to you. You are so strong, and I’m sure you have helped many people by sharing your story. You’re right, it would definitely not count against you because none of this is your fault. You were young and your father should have known better. I am glad you were able to speak to your mom about this. I hope people have been supportive of you. You deserve it! Please continue to update us if you would like. Stay strong.

    Tyler

  3. Ashley Day Captain

    Beka-Faith94,

    Thank you for taking the time to confide in our community about what you have experienced.

    I commend you for opening up to your mom, youth pastor’s wife, and the group of 50 people. The thought of talking to someone about sexual violence can feel nerve-wracking because it can be difficult to know how the person on the receiving end might respond.
    During those encounters with your dad, it seems like you felt confused and stuck. In the beginning, he discouraged you from telling anyone about what he was doing and I imagine that made you feel uneasy. I’m sorry that he disclosed information about his sex life with your mom; he had no right to share that information with his child. I want you to know that you’re not a bad person for feeling pleasure because our bodies are conditioned to respond to sexual stimuli. Echoing Amysue43, none of us are passing judgment.

    I read the comments that you posted and it’s wonderful to know that it has been helpful to find a safe space to share the details 🙂

  4. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Beka-Faith94,
    I’m so sorry for what you went through growing up. That must have been so horrible and confusing and it was wrong of your dad to do any of those things to you. I’m glad that you’ve been able to sharing your story before and I hope that has provided you some relief. Everyone has different views on what virginity actually is, and I wouldn’t personally wouldn’t call that experience losing your virginity because it was assault and I don’t believe that counts. Also, you couldn’t help that your body experienced pleasure in these moments. It doesn’t mean you enjoyed it, it’s simply that nerves were stimulated and went to your brain. That has nothing to do with how you personally felt about what happened. I hope that your future with someone you loved with be full of good memories and that these ones won’t haunt you. Thank you for sharing with us.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Beka-Faith94,
    I’m extremely sorry about what you’ve been through. What he did was not right at all, and you didn’t deserve any of it. You’re not at fault for what happened either. He crossed boundaries numerous times and took advantage of you.
    I also think that virginity can’t be taken from someone and that it should be given willingly. I truly don’t think you broke your promise with God.
    I understand your shame as well. However, that pleasure is a physiological response. It’s how our bodies respond to certain types of touch, and you didn’t know it was wrong. You couldn’t have known – you were a child.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You’re so strong, and I’m proud of you for trying to put your life together. We’re glad to read your story and respond, so there’s no need to apologize. If you ever need anything from us, please let us know. We’re happy to help in any way we can.

  6. colton95 Volunteer

    I am really sorry about all of the horrible things that you had to go through. Those things DO NOT define who you are and I think that it is so incredibly brave of you to share your story on here. Don’t ever apologize for telling the truth and for trying to seek help. I hope that you will stay strong and that you will have the courage to share on here and seek help if you are ever feeling defeated or down.

  7. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. Your father is supposed to protect you, not abuse you. You did not deserve anything that happened to you and it was not your fault. Shame around abuse is completely normal. As is not remembering exactly what happened, especially when we’re young. You are not to blame for what happened, though. You were young and your father took advantage of that. Try to remember that your definition of sex and virginity is yours to decide. You were not a consenting adult.

    I know therapy (and sometimes support groups) help a lot of survivors deal with the shame and nervousness surrounding sex following abuse. If you’d like us to help you get in touch with one of these things, let us know. We are always here for you and we believe you. Thank you for entrusting us with your story. I’m so glad you felt comfortable sharing this with us. If you need anything else at all, let us know. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  8. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Beka-Faith94. Thank you for trusting us with your story. You’re right, it is disgusting, but that is in no way your fault. Telling your story here is not a burden you put on us. I feel honored that you trusted us. What your dad did was awful and you did not ask for any of it. He was the adult and he should have protected you instead of abusing you. I know how hard it is to shake the shame even though you don’t deserve it. Whatever happened that you don’t remember was not sex, it was abuse. Society puts a lot of weight into women’s “purity” and “virginity,” but really those words are up to you to define. You had no choice in the abuse you endured. I don’t think what someone else chose to do says anything about your own purity. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. Talking to a therapist helped me a lot in dealing with my own shame and guilt around the childhood sexual abuse I experienced. We can get you in touch with someone if you would like that. We’re here for you.

  9. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi Beka-Faith94,

    Thank you for coming and sharing your story with us and trusting us with your story. You are so strong. I am so sorry that this happened to you at such a young age. It is not okay that your father took advantage of you at such a young age. I am sorry that you are not sure what happened. That is normal, especially at a young age, to not remember all of the details of a traumatic event like this. Please do not even feel the need to apologize for sharing your story. What happened to you was NOT your fault. It is your story, you are able to share it with who ever you would like to. Sometimes sharing can help you in your healing process. You are so strong for surviving this! Please know that this does not define who you are. You are so much more than this. Stay strong! We are here for you if you ever want to come back and share more!

    Natalie

  10. Marissa Day Captain

    Beka-Faith94,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. Please don’t apologize for what happened to you. It’s not your fault, and I hope saying it out loud helps you find closure.

    Feeling pleasure from oral sex is a normal bodily response, so I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of, especially since you didn’t know it was wrong. You even said yourself that it was almost painful because of how foreign it was. You can’t control how your body reacts to things. I understand how you are feeling about that though, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid.

    Also, I completely understand what you’re going through when it comes to being confused about your virginity, and whether or not it’s still intact. One of my best friends told me that if I didn’t want to count what happened to me, then I shouldn’t. It’s no one else’s business anyways! I believe that the only way to lose your virginity is if you give it to someone – they can’t just take it. But that’s just how I feel personally. I just hope you realize that God does not judge you for what your father did to you.

    Please don’t hesitate to come back if you need absolutely anything. We support you and are here to help you, no matter what!

    Stay strong,
    Marissa

  11. Juliana331 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I understand the commitment you made to purity. Here’s my perspective. You did not give your virginity to him. He may have used you sexually but that was on him. You clung to your innocence and continue to do so. I believe no matter the circumstances until you willing give yourself to another person, you are fulfilling that commitment you made to God. Feel free to share with us anytime. You are beautiful and strong and you are not alone.

  12. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Beka-Faith94 ,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story…it is good to know that you felt safe enough in this space to talk about what you needed to in order to help yourself heal. I am so sorry that you had to go through this experience. It was not your fault and it is not who you are; it is something that happened to you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to move forward after this type of trauma and you are doing it! Be patient and kind to yourself. We are here to listen and support you, so please come back as often as you need. You are not alone!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  13. Hhobby23

    I want to say thank you for sharing, I know it is hard and you are most certainly not alone. I am so a sorry you this happened to you. But know this , your never alone .

  14. daisychains8891 Volunteer

    You are so incredibly brave for sharing your story with us. We all understand that it can be hard to talk about things like this, especially in detail. But please don’t apologize. None of this is your fault, and you were way too young to understand what was really going on. This is solely his fault. You are strong and brave and I know you will get through this. We are all here for you every step of the way, and we hope you keep telling your story and speaking out.
    All my love and support,
    Leah

  15. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry about what happened to you. You did not deserve any of that.
    I hope you know that none of this is your fault, it is all his fault. This is a safe place and we are behind you the entire way and appreciate you sharing your story with us. We believe in you and are with you the entire way. Stay Strong and keep on fighting.

    -Brianna

  16. Jordan L Volunteer

    Hey there,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry about what happened to you. You did not deserve any of that.
    I hope you know that none of this is your fault, it is all his fault.
    I once heard that if you believe you are a virgin, it still makes you one (after being assaulted), so I believe you could still be one. Seeing a professional could help you cope with the trauma you endured and help you overall heal from this. I know therapy isn’t for everyone but it doesn’t hurt to try out one session. Otherwise, you could find other coping mechanisms such as journaling. Taking back your life is the first step to becoming you again. I hope you find peace. You are so brave and strong.
    We at AVFTI are always here for you. We believe you. We support you.

    -Jordan

  17. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story, and sharing it here. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You were a child, and someone you trusted and that is supposed to protect you took advantage of you. You didn’t deserve that, and it is not your fault. Have you cosidered therapy? It’s not for everyone, but if it’s right for you, it can be extremely helpful in the healin process. Please know that we are here for you and we support you. Stay strong.

    Carmen

  18. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Beka-Faith94,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you and you are strong for sharing your story. I get where you’re coming from. I also feel the guilt about having enjoyed it sometimes and have struggled with not knowing if what happened was sex or not. I wish I had a good answer for you but it’s something I’m still working on myself. No matter if it was or wasn’t sex, your virginity is yours and I think you still have it regardless because your virginity is something you have control over and you decide when to give it up. As for when you do start having sex: I’m going to be honest that is something that might happen but it also might not. There isn’t really a way to tell beforehand if the memories will come back or not. BUT there are a lot of techniques to ground you and help you stay in the moment with the man you love rather than lost in memories. I found this by searching ‘flashback grounding techniques’ on google. If you look at the section “Ideas on how to cope with flashbacks” it might be helpful!: http://www.incaresurvivors.org.uk/resources/ICSSS-Anxiety-Flashbacks-and-Grounding-techniques.pdf. There are a lot of resources out there like this so try not to stress too much about the possibility that a memory may come up, there are ways to work on it!

    Also final note, what you said was not disgusting. Obviously what happened to you was not okay, but that doesn’t make you disgusting or your story so disgusting that you can’t share it if you want to. Thank you for speaking your truth. You are so incredibly strong and we are always here to listen,

    Megan

    1. Beka-Faith94

      Thank you so much for your honesty. Flashbacks in the future are something I’ve been concerned about for a while. I have a mentor who went through a similar ordeal, but have hesitated to ask if that was something she experienced. If it happens I will learn to cope with it.
      Thank you again -Beka

  19. Amysue43 Volunteer

    You are so strong. You have been working hard and are extremely dedicated to your life. Please know that this is a very safe space for your thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. No judgment here; only support. Anyway, I’m sorry this has happened to you and you should know that none of this was fault. This shame you feel can definitely be frustrating, and I know that you are committed to yourself and you will get through this. I’m glad you found comfort in sharing your story with us. We are here for you and believe in you.

    Stay strong<3

  20. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. No one can take your virginity from you; it is something only you can give to another person. You were abused and taken advantage of as a child by someone that should have been protecting you, and I am so sorry that it happened to you. I am sure that God would not hold this against you or see it as you breaking your promise to save yourself until marriage. Your feelings are very normal for those in these situations. Maybe try seeing a therapist to work out these feelings will help you and stop some of those thoughts. Sharing your story here is so brave and a great first step to more healing for you. Please keep up updated and feel free to write to us anytime. Let us know if we can so anything else to help support you. <3

  21. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I know that so many victims, particularly ones who were abused by family, feel this shame. I know I have it. I am so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. This doesn’t make God love you any less. Do you think talking about this in individual therapy would be helpful? I know that individual therapy has been really helpful for me, too. To deal with the shame. We have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened wasn’t our fault. I want you to know that. Is there anything else we can do for you? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  22. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Beka-Faith94,

    It’s great to hear that you are able to talk about what happened to others. It’s totally okay if you don’t feel comfortable sharing the details with them yet. There’s no need to apologize for sharing your story with us here. It’s awful that you feel ashamed of what you felt, but everything that happened is on him. I’m glad you found out about this website to be able to share your story. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Take care.

  23. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Beka-Faith94,

    You’re brave for sharing your story. I know it can be hard to not know or remember what exactly happened. Our brains are tricky things. They hide horrible things from us to protect us. Releasing that truth and unbottling what has been bottled up for so long can be liberating. Please keep doing what is best for you. Keep fighting. You can do this and we are here for you.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  24. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Beka,

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through those experiences. What happened to you was awful, and I’m so sorry that you feel ashamed and disgusted by it all. What happened was never your fault. If anyone should be disgusted and ashamed it should be your father. There is absolutely no reason to apologize for sharing the details here with us. We are here for you 100%. Please feel free to post again any time you need to. Take care.

    Becca

  25. Solongago

    First of all none, NONE of this was your fault. I am so sorry your father did these things to you.

    There is no way to know whether he took your virginity or not, but my guess would be not. Unless you totally blacked out, you would have probably felt him enter you. Probably. What he may have done is something called dry sex. Where he used the area between your legs to satisfy himself (my brother used to do this, when I told him it was hurting, so that is how he would finish up). The reason I think maybe this is the case is because you said it stopped before he tried felatio (I think that is the right word). I think that usually perpetrators groom kids and work their way up to penetrating them anally and vaginally. Usually. There are no for sure here. But there would have been blood and again, probably, unless you split, you would have probably felt the penetration.

    I think you can ask your gynecologist to check that out if and when you have a female exam. I understand any hesitation in doing that, both the exam and asking. But if it you really want to know, I think they can check to see if the hymen is intact.

    I understand completely not feeling comfortable, not wanting to talk about the details with family, friends, or even your therapist. I mean, as we are going through this, there are sometimes periods when it is the only thing we can think about, but it is a particularly hard topic. Anything, any sigh or jesture, might make us believe that the other person doesn’t want to hear it, even if the other person is a therapist. I think this is mostly us being hyper-sensitive, and maybe protective of ourselves. I mean it is coming from within us, not whatever the other person is thinking. But talking about this stuff with family is hard even if the perp was not a family member, because their is guilt and shame on their side for not protecting you. If the perp was a family member that is compounded, because they not only didn’t protect you, they may feel as though they put you in harm’s way. And maybe, they still have feelings for the perpetrator. It is strange what folks will do to protect themselves from emotional pain.

    The only person that can know how or if they can hear you, is you, and as a survivor, from experience, I can say it is hard to know what is normal and if it is me or if it is them that do not want to listen. I am sorry it’s so hard. You have to deal with what no one should have to. I am sorry for that.

    We can hear you hear if you need to talk about it. If you need to talk about the details with a live person, try your therapist. If he or she cannot hear you, then maybe you should look for someone who can. But my guess is that it is we who have the problem or are putting that onto our therapist, that they do not want to hear it. So give it a try if it is helpful. I found it helpful to speak of a couple of the instances. And yes, you do not have to give every detail the first time, you can kind of shove your toe into the water, and then your foot and then your leg. This is your process. And you can decide how far you can go or want to go, and you can stop and put it on the shelf for a while if necessary, and then bring it out later. Take your time and be kind/gentle to yourself.

  26. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Beka-Faith94,
    I’m so sorry this happened. It is good that you talked about this with people. Sometimes the best way to recover is to talk about what happened. You are so strong. Many people cannot talk about what happened to them. You are in a great recovering process. What your dad said and did is not okay. He should have known better. Is there anything that you would like us to do to help you?
    -Alyssa

    1. Beka-Faith94

      Thank you for the offer. Honestly it was very helpful just to be able to be that frank about it. I have been in recovery for about 2 years, and while I definitely don’t have it all together, I am in a much healthier state of mind than I was before. This was still something I needed. I am glad to have found this site.
      – Beka