I have actually already told my story. At first just to my mom, then whispered through tears to my youth pastor’s wife. And then much much later after several therapy sessions and 18 months in an emotional health 12 step program I told my story to a group of 50 people. I have tried my best to embrace my story and am fairly open about it with people who are willing to ask. But, what I haven’t ever said aloud to anyone are details. I don’t want to use ugly harsh sexual words. I don’t want people to be made uncomfortable by what specifically happened. As gross as it is, I’m nagged by that sometimes. I have people in my life who care about me and would listen if I asked them to, but I don’t want to put that burden on another person. It’s enough that they know the broad strokes. Anyway. Heres what I have never said out loud. What no one else knows.
The very first time something happened, my dad asked my to come in his room so we could talk. I don’t remember what about. He was in his underwear and asked if I wanted to see a trick. He said that he could make his wee wee spit. He masturbated to completion in front of me. I was weirded out instead of being impressed but he told me not to tell so I didn’t.
Our times together were always under the pretence of a movie night. So during movies and under the guise of him educating me about sex he started giving me oral sex. I was 7 or 8 and hadn’t felt any kind of sexual pleasure before. In my head it was right on the edge of being painful because of how foreign it was. But I enjoyed it.
He sucked on my nipples and said that my older sister wouldn’t let him do that anymore. She got too big and it embarrassed her. I promised him no matter how old I got I would always be his baby.
Once, he left his room to tell my brothers to turn down the TV. The language was terrible “all I can hear is MF this and MF that. You’re sister is still awake”. He was concerned about preserving my innocence when he had been groping me 2 minutes before.
He talked about his and my mom’s sex life and said that his favorite thing was when she would put his penis in her mouth. Thankfully, the abuse ended before he worked all the way to asking that of me. I cannot express how grateful I am that I never had to do that.
Towards the end, there was an incident that I have always wondered if it was actual sex. I remember He had to go get vasaline. He had me roll over and I felt like he was crushing me. It could have been 30 seconds or 5 minutes. I don’t know. And I don’t know if that was the loss of my virginity.
I am 24 now. And have been working hard on trying to put my life together. My sexual purity is very very important to me. It’s a promise I made to God to save myself for marriage. It haunts me not knowing for sure if I am a virgin. If I am not, it was not by choice and would not count against me. But I wish I knew what happened.
The shame that is the hardest to let go of was the fact that I felt pleasure when he went down on me. That was the only thing I ever asked him to do without prompting. Sometimes during masturbation, his face will enter my mind unbidden and I worry that when I do start having sex, I will be haunted by memories of the past instead of being in the moment with the man I love.
This is disgusting and I’m sorry to whoever ends up reading it. I just needed to say the entire truth out loud.
Thank you for letting me share.