Aftermath

Hey everyone, it’s Jamie again with updates.
I started up a group therapy session on Wednesday, encouraged by the staff at the local hospital. Hopefully they’ll help me in time.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of the mental abuse (still deal with the PTSD brought on by the rape), and I honestly don’t know if that part will ever go away.
I’ve been getting extremely close with my guy friend (we’ll call him Benjamin for anonymous sake), to the point where I really care about him, and love him, too, and he 100% feels the same way. We both have endured abuse, so it’s easier for us to talk about it, but at the same time, thanks to the mental abuse, I feel I’ll never be enough for him. He reassures me, stays on the phone with me until I fall asleep, and looks out for me, but I just fear he’ll leave, and I wouldn’t blame him at all if he did. Why would anyone want to stay with someone who’s still dealing with issues from previous trauma? I just worry i’ll say or do something that’ll ultimately change his mind, even though he tells me he’ll never leave, or doubt our relationship.
That’s just how I feel, and what my ex (rapist) said still haunts me to this very day that’s it hard to maintain any friendship or relationship with anyone.
Will I ever move past this, let alone feel enough?


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12 comments

  1. BriGriffith Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you so much for these updates. You are so strong, and so brave, and we love hearing from you. I’m so proud of you for starting a group therapy session, too. That sounds wonderful, and I hope you’re getting the support you need and deserve. I’m sorry that lately you’ve been dealing with the aftermath of mental abuse, but I’m proud of you for being honest with yourself about these difficult feelings. You’ve endured a lot, none of which is your fault, and you’re never alone. I know it’s hard to feel like you’re enough, and to trust others, but try trusting yourself. You know you love Benjamin, so why not follow those feelings? You’re so deserving of love and support. Remember that you deserve to be cared about the same way you care about Benjamin. Sending you so much love, and please continue to keep us updated.

  2. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I hope group therapy will help you. I’m really sorry that you’ve been through mental abuse and that you’re feeling this way. Trusting people can be so difficult. I think you and Benjamin are enough for each other and that you both can support each other in amazing ways. Living in the moment and enjoying what you have with him could help. He seems like a great and supportive guy, and you are good enough. You deserve to be loved and to be cared for.
    Thank you for updating us. We’ll always be here for you.

  3. haleymorecraft Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for updating us! We love hearing from you. You ARE good enough, you’re more than good enough. I’m so happy to hear that you started up group therapy, do you feel like you’re going to like it? I really hope it helps. Just know, that your guy friend is spending time with you for a reason.. because he really cares about you. Don’t question what people do for you out of the kindness of their heart. And as always, we are ALWAYS here for you as well. Thanks for coming back to talk.
    With love,
    Haley

  4. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, Jamie. Thanks for the update. I’m glad you were able to start group therapy – I feel like that was a major help in my own recovery. I think it’s great you have the support of Benjamin. You are enough for him. You are probably exactly what he needs in his life too, if he’s also an abuse survivor. You deserve to be loved and supported, past trauma and all. Remember that’s exactly what it is, the past. It’s not where you are now. Benjamin is not your ex. I have faith that you’ll be able to move past this eventually. You’re doing everything you can to live a healthy life and recover from this, and I believe you will. Just take your time and be patient with yourself. You got this. And we’re always here if you need us.

  5. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there Jamie,

    Thank you for returning and updating us. It sounds like you have a friend who really cares about you. I think he may understand what you are feeling, and maybe he even feels the same. He may worry that you may leave. You two seem to have a really great bond. My best advice is try not to let this fear close you off toward him. You will get through this. Stay strong

    Carmen

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    It’s good to hear back form you. I hope the therapy goes well. As for your friend, I don’t think that you have anything to worry about, I tend to overthink a lot and overthinking does not help in these kinds of situations. Just focus on the now. He likes you and wants to be with you and you like him, so just leave it at that. Don’t worry about your past because he has been through the same things. Thank for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  7. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I have felt like that in many of my own previous relationships. I don’t know if I have an answer for you, but what I can say is that it helps to talk about those feelings in therapy, at least it did for me. And remembering that he has his own trauma, too. He may be feeling some of the same things you are. It sounds like you are both in this together, and that you both care about each other. Someone is not less of a person, or less deserving of love because they have been through trauma. Let us know how else we can help you. Thanks for coming back to share more.

    Erin

  8. Ash Volunteer

    Hey there
    Thanks for coming back and updating us. I want to say that things take time! Everyone heals at different rates and it is okay to take your time. I’m happy that you’ve started group therapy. It can really show you that you are not alone. We are here for you and we believe you. Feel free to always come back and write more.

    Ash

  9. Solongago

    Jamie Marie,

    I can’t help you with the relationship question — lack of experience. But keep working on you. As you improve, your self-image and self-esteem, the people that are good for you, who will help you feel good about yourself and not bring you down will be there and applaud the changes. Folks that are not looking for someone who has a healthy self-image, will drop away, and that is ok, because those folks are looking for people they can be in charge of, or be on top of, or put down, or use.

    It is hard right now. It will get better if you keep working.

    Good luck to you. I hope your Benjamin is one of the good guys, who will be there for you and will grow with you. You deserve a good guy.

    Sue

  10. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hey Jamie,
    Thanks for the update. How is the group going? I have hope that they will help. PTSD is hard, it is something that takes a time and patience. Doing the work and the different thearpies for ptsd helps. Plus copping skills for when you have scenarios when your ptsd gets triggered. It is good that you have someone you can relate to and that is there for you. He sounds really sweet. I completly understand and can relate to your doubts with this guy. It is normal. It is hard to trust someone and let somone get close after you have been hurt by someone who was very close to you. Sometimes the you have to not listen to your doubts and take a gambel. He seems to want only the best for you and hasn’t given you a reason to doubt him. I know it is easier said than done. I am just learning how to do that. It is ok to be guarded as well buy no your ex isn’t around. He can’t hut you. You will move past this. You are so strong. And are doing so well. You deserve to be happy. I wish you will the best. Much love
    Kristin

  11. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,
    Thank you for keeping us updated. It sounds like you have a lot going on, but that you have some good things too. Hopefully the group therapy will help out between your other sessions. From what you say, Benjamin sounds like he really cares about you and does his best to show you how much he cares. It is normal to be worried about the future and to doubt your worth when you have been abused. Something that helps sometimes is to remember that worrying isn’t going to change the future, but can cause you miss the joy of right now. Keep breathing and working on healing. We are right here with you and you’ve got this!!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  12. sillierabbet27

    Dear Jamie,
    Thank you for the update! I’m glad you’re seeking help by going to therapy session 🙂 It shows tremendous strength to be able to do that!

    When you go through trauma, it’s completely normal to be afraid to lose someone you care about. Something that always helps me when I start to get close to someone and I’m afraid of losing them is that if something happens that makes them not want me in their life anymore, then it’s meant to be that way and it’s better that they aren’t around. You should never change yourself to fit what people want in their life. You should be able to be comfortable being yourself, and the people in your life should accept you and love you for who you are, and if they don’t, then maybe they shouldn’t be around. Also a thing that I try to keep in mind: at first, someone may mesh very well in your life, but it may turn out that it stops being that way as time passes. Everything and everyone is constantly changing every second, down to the atomic level, so if things are physically changing all the time, no matter how small, then it only makes sense that people’s emotions can change too. So all we can really do is live in the moment and truly appreciate the good times we have and the people in our lives at any given moment, and accept all changes that come and try to learn from them. It’s a blessing that bad things come and go, and the same goes for good things because too much of anything can be detrimental and stagnating.

    So I would say, try your best to enjoy time with your new close friend 🙂 If he wants to be in your life right now, and you want to be in his, then that’s the best news you could have! Go for it and be friends and support each other, and share the love <3

    Let me know if I could support you more!
    With love always,
    Daphne