Hey everyone, I want to thank you for hearing me out in regards to my abusive relationship. Unfortunately, I cannot afford therapy at the moment, but I will be spending the Holidays with my friends in Pittsburgh next week.

The “trauma bonding” withdrawal has got to be the worst I’m dealing with, even more so than the rape & molestation combined, and that’s a sad fact. He’s already with someone new, which is typical behavior that I’ve researched from being in a narcisstic relationship. There are so many things I wish I could say to him, but what good would it do? He’d twist things around, blame me, so there’s no use fighting it. I just hope I can eventually find someone to call my own one day, but I’ve got me to take care of. 

I hope everyone has a good Holiday season. I love y’all.


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18 comments

  1. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Jamie,
    That is understandable, therapy is expensive. Have you considered writing a letter to him telling him how you feel. You don’t have to actually send it to him but I have found it to be helpful to get something off my chest or cope. You will find somebody some day! I love your attitude though that you have you to take care of! Stay strong!
    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for coming back with an update. Sorry to hear that you can’t afford therapy right now but it’s great to hear that you spent the holidays with some friends. I hope the holidays were really great for you all! You will absolutely find someone to call your own someday. There is someone out there for everyone. Someone who will treat you with respect and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. We love you!

    Happy holidays,

    Tyler

  3. Lizzi

    Hey Jamie Marie,
    I’m glad to hear that you’re spending the holidays with friends. I hope that you’re able to get a break from everything you’re going through and have some fun with them. You deserve it. I agree with many of the other comments regarding wanting to contact him, and writing a letter (but not sending it) or at least journaling your thoughts might give you some of the same feeling without being disappointed that it likely wouldn’t do any good. We’re here for you if you need anything.

  4. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Jamie Marie,

    I’m glad you’re taking the time to spend holidays with friends. It can be comforting to be around people we know and enjoy. I hear you that you have a lot to say to him, but it’d be speaking to deaf ears. Sometimes it can be helpful and freeing to write these thoughts down instead. I have faith that you will find someone to call your own. Just keep fighting. You got this. Sending positive light your way.

    Happy holidays,
    SFM

  5. musicislove

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for coming back to share, I’m glad you’ll have some time with your friends during the holidays, spending time with loved ones is always good for mental health. Its understandable that you’re still dealing with these feelings after the breakup, even though it was abusive it was someone you spent a lot of time with, it’s not weird to be sad, even though you’re doing the right thing by staying away from him. It might be a good idea to write him a letter and not send it, like suggested by others, that way you could get out some of what you’re feeling. We’re always here for you and please come back whenever you want to share more.

    Delaney

  6. tayestlack Volunteer

    hello love, i’m glad you’ve found friends to be with during the holidays. I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time with your ex and him already finding someone new. You’re right you should keep your distance from your ex and focus on yourself and he’s still manipulating you even now. One day you will find the right person who will treat you like royalty. And even if you can’t afford therapy right now, having those loved friends close can help you a lot too. Keep your head high and keep fighting

  7. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there Jamie Marie,

    We’re always here for you, and I’m glad you found this community to talk with. It’s understandable that you would be kind of grieving the end of the relationship, as you’ve experienced a loss of someone who was very important to you. I’m very glad that you found the strength to leave, however. Like you said, you’ve got you to take care of, and I think you did an incredible thing in leaving this relationship. Something that might help is to write a letter to your ex but not send it. My therapist has recommended this technique to me and has said that it helps some people find closure. This might be something that helps you!

    I’m glad you’ll be spending time with your friends. I’m sure it’ll be good for you right now to be around people you love. Also, have fun in Pittsburgh! I actually grew up in that area before I moved for college. 🙂

  8. Jess Volunteer

    It’s completely understandable that you are still trying to cope with the aftermath of your previous relationship. Keeping that space from your ex will be incredibly beneficial for your healing. Try to remember to be centered in yourself and take care of you. Trying new coping skills and being sure to talk with family and friends can be helpful. We also have a lot of resources under our “Find Help” tab and rainn.org has a lot of helpful information as well. In the meantime, if you need anything at all, we are always here for you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    It’s understandable that you’re still coping with the aftermath of the relationship. Maybe you could write a journal entry about everything you want to say to him. It may help you release these feelings in a different form. I think it’s a good thing to focus on yourself and your healing (by possibly confiding in trusted friends/family, self care, journaling, etc.) and avoid your ex.
    I’m glad you’ll be with your friends next week, and I hope you have fun and take some time to relax! We’re here to support you in any way possible, and thank you for the update. Happy holidays!

  10. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    Leaving and healing from an abusive relationship is messy and painful. Healthy relationships seem impossible some days… Take the time to do your research, journal, and follow trauma/self-healing accounts on social media. Focus on being present,noticing yourself, and avoiding contact in any way with your ex if possible (narcissist like to try and reel you back in just to see what you will do). You will begin to heal and will know how to have a healthy relationship because of all that you have learned in the process of healing.
    Enjoy your holiday vacation.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thanks for updating us. It sounds like you are going to have a fun holiday with your friends. Don’t worry about your ex. You are so much better without him. I know there is always those what if that go around your head. They go around my head for different thinks too, but just remember what happened, happened and it’s okay. He doesn’t deserve you if this is how he is going to treat you. Just keep telling and reminding yourself that this isn’t your fault and you are strong. You don’t need him in your life and now that you are single you get to focus all of your attention on you. We are always here for you. Thanks again for updating us. Happy holidays!
    -Alyssa

  12. Kayla Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,

    I hope you enjoy the holidays with your friends and can feel safe and loved. It’s a really short timeline for your ex to already be with someone new which reinforces the narcissism. I’m glad you’re removed from him and safe. Sending you love.

  13. dzreid Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,
    Hi there. I am so glad that you came back to share. It sounds like you’re taking care of yourself by getting away. As you spend time with your friends, allow that time to be a time of fun & relaxation. As far as therapy, I know there’s websites that provide information regarding support groups. Sometimes women shelters also provide therapy for sexual assault for free. Have fun with your friends, & have a great holiday & Merry Christmas.
    Dawn

  14. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Jamie- I’m so sorry you had to battle these issues. I’m sure the trauma bonding withdrawal his horrible and the emotions must be horribly confusing. Sometimes, when I want to say something to someone, I pretend to write down the word on my chest (usually it’s at night when I’m in bed) and then I’ll pretend to erase the words with my hand. It’s a therapeutic tactic that’s benefited me. Or maybe you just right to him directly and get it off your chest. Or something in-between. Either way, I hope you continue to heal and please, continue to share with us. Your words are helpful to others. And we want to continue to be with you as your recover. All the best.

    Ryan

  15. sam Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,
    I am so sorry you’re still struggling to get closure on that relationship. That stuff takes time, but one day you will feel free from him. I understand that therapy is super expensive and inaccessible for a lot of people, so I hope that you can find other healthy avenues, like sharing on AVFTI or leaning on your friends, to cope and deal with your trauma. You didn’t deserve any of the abuse you experienced and you deserve to be happy. We are always here for you!

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m glad you’re spending the holiday with friends. I understand on the therapy-I can’t afford it right now either. Maybe there’s a support group you could join, though, and I think those are usually free/low cost? I’m not sure, though. Thank you for coming back to share-we are here for you.

    Erin

  17. Ashley Day Captain

    Thank you for trusting us with what has been going on in your life, Jamie.

    I’m hoping that spending time with your friends will help you feel better. I wish you weren’t hurting so badly but I know that you can make it through this. I commend you for protecting yourself by not giving him the opportunity to twist your words around or place blame on you.

    I hope you have a good holiday season too and I’m sending love your way 🙂

    Ashley

  18. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now with the trauma bonding withdrawal. It can be one of the most difficult transitions when leaving an abusive relationship. It sounds like you have a handle on things, and that’s good. Being able to recognize your feelings and cope with them in a healthy way is a great start to healing. I’d suggest writing what you’d like to say to your ex in a journal or maybe a private blog. It can help keep those thoughts and feelings from festering under the surface. Or you could even share those thoughts with us here. We’d love to listen and help you through this transition until you can find a counselor. You’re a strong and brave person. You’ve got this. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca