A Rape and a Murder

A Rape and a Murder

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This is a story about my fiancé and I. We were heroin addicts. I met him in May of 2018 and we soon became inseparable. Shortly after we linked up, he introduced me to heroin. I loved the feeling, just like I loved the feeling of the many opiates I had taken in the past. Our relationship soon became all about the drug; we would do anything for a fix. My fiancé had a friend named Will. He was a dope dealer and he had always taken a strong liking to me. Because he was so into me, my fiancé never wanted us to be alone. 

Fast forward a few months and my addiction was taking over my life. I went to Will’s house for a fix. He ended up raping me, putting himself inside my mouth. I was so high I didn’t even care. I didn’t cry, kick, or scream. I acted like a zombie. When the next day rolls around I meet my fiancé and tell him where I had been. Before I could tell him what really happened, he kidnaps me. I’m begging for him to let me go, pleading with the golfers in his neighborhood to help me. Nobody does a thing. When we arrived at his place, he ends up assaulting me. When I tried to escape, he threw me up against a wall and choked me out. The police were called and that was the last I had seen of him. 

However, when I was away at rehab, we reconnected. He told me he was still seeing Will for drugs. (He never knew that this guy had raped me.) Despite this, we still talked on the phone every day. When I called him and he didn’t answer, I thought he had blocked me. It turns out he had passed away; he was killed by Will.

When I left rehab, DEA agents got in touch with me. They told me the full story. Will apparently laced his dope with Fentanyl. He did this because he wanted to get closer to me. With my fiancé out of the way, he thought he would have a shot with me.

I live with guilt and shame every day, knowing that I was the cause of my fiancé’s death. Will is facing over 20 years in prison and no, he didn’t get any additional time for raping me because the cops wouldn’t press charges.

The one year anniversary of my fiancé’s death is coming up and that’s why I feel so compelled to write about him. I hope one day I’ll be able to forgive myself and move on.


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23 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    I’m sorry that Will disrespected your boundaries, zelda. It’s upsetting to know that you encountered sexual and physical violence, by different people, over the span of two days. When your fiancé was attempting to kidnap you, someone should have intervened. Please know that you are not the cause of your fiancé’s death; you are not responsible for Will’s violent behavior.

    I encourage you to be kind to yourself.

    Ashley

  2. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I’m extremely sorry this happened to you, and I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re not at fault for your fiance’s death or the assault. I hope you can forgive yourself because this wasn’t your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. Those were Will’s decisions and his alone. I’m glad that he’s in prison so he can stay away from you, but I’m really sorry the cops didn’t press charges for the assault. Anniversaries may be difficult, so please write to us and/or talk to someone you trust if you need to process anything. We’ll always be here for you.

  3. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there zelda,

    I’m glad to hear that Will is going to be in prison for a long while. Hopefully this knowledge can give you some peace in a really painful time. Anniversaries are particularly hard with this kind of trauma, and it’s certainly not out of the ordinary for it to be on your mind. You aren’t to blame for your fiance’s death or your assaults, and I’m glad you came to us to help process.

    Be gentle with yourself as these heavy memories are particularly on your mind!

  4. zelda Volunteer

    Alyssa,

    I actually did go to the cops but they wouldn’t press charges. It sucks and it’s hurt me, but I’m glad he’s going away for a long time. Thanks for commenting!

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I’m so sorry that you had to find out about his death like that. He didn’t deserve you though if he always hurt you like the way you described in your stories. I understand that he was more than just hurting you, everyone has good qualities in them. Just know that you didn’t deserve the abuse he put you through. It is not your fault that he died. Will is just a bad person, who thought his actions did not have consequences. I’m happy he is in jail. I’m sorry that he didn’t get charged for your rape, but maybe it’s not too late to tell the police that before he killed your fiancé he also raped you. It could get him more time. I am so sorry for your loss because he didn’t deserve to die because someone was jealous. I hope this helps you. Continue to stay strong. We are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  6. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi zelda,
    Thank you for continuing to trust us with your story. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you are able to see that you’re fiancé’s death was not your fault. I’m glad that Will has been punished for his actions. Even if it wasn’t for what he did to you, he is still locked up and out of your life. Hopefully that helps you to be able to heal. Let us know if you need anything.

  7. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Zelda,

    Just know you were not the cause of your fiance’s death, but I am so sorry that happened to you. That sound like quite the traumatic experience altogether, and I am sorry you weren’t given the justice that you deserve. It is good he is going away for a long time, and hopefully that will help you heal. Please let us know if you need anything.

    Katie

  8. Kayla Volunteer

    Zelda,

    You were not the cause of your fiance’s death. Will sounds like he was dangerous and deranged, and it sounds like he’s getting a punishment he deserves. Im sorry you weren’t given justice for what he did to you. Im at least glad he is no longer in your life and can’t hurt you anymore. Im very sorry that you carry this pain. I hope you can forgive yourself because it wasn’t your fault.

    Sending you love,
    Kayla

  9. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Zelda,
    I am so sorry for your loss, must have been terrible to get that news, I am so sorry, but please know that what had happened to your fiancé was in no means your fault at all. Please, do not blame yourself for what had happened to him. We are always here to listen if you need to talk! Thank you for being so strong.
    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  10. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear zelda,

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss… I cannot imagine how you felt when you had found out that he had passed away. I know that it is easier to say than do, but please do not blame yourself for what happened to your fiance. This Will guy was clearly unstable in multiple ways and if he thought that the best way to get to you was by committing an act of murder… that could not be anymore wrong. Although there is justice that Will is facing jail time for his murder, I am sorry that you personally were unable to get justice for the rape that you had to endure from him. I hope that within time and as you continue your healing journey, that you are able to come to terms with what happened, forgive yourself, and live in the present and future <3 You deserve to have a happy, healthy life. Continue to be strong and brave. After everything that you have been through, remember how strong you are and that you were able to overcome all of this <3

    – Jordan

  11. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing this story with us. I’m sorry you went through something like this; however, you should know that none of this is your fault. You were put in that situation by someone you felt that you could trust but who had other intentions. Something as heavy as this is very hard to manage alone but I hope this outlet has helped. The death of your fiancé is not at all your fault; you didn’t make any decisions that were in the direct line of a cause-and-effect relationship. I hope you find reassurance in yourself by these comments and the support we show here at AVFTI.

    Stay strong!

  12. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there zelda,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It can be comforting to let out all that you’ve been bottling up. The year anniversary of your fiance’s death can bring up a lot of emotions and memories. Please make sure to take care of yourself. AVFTI has some great resources available to help during difficult times https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/. It seems you’ve made a lot of progress since that time, which is truly amazing. Keep on shining and fighting.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  13. Lizzi Volunteer

    Wow, all I can say is that your story is proof of how awful drug addiction is and how messed up some people can be. That’s probably not the most proper way to say it but reading your story all I could think was “wow, that’s really F’d up.” I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered, and for having to find out that Will killed your fiance to get closer to you. I’m glad that Will is facing prison time. I also want you to know that it’s not your fault that Will killed your fiance. You had no part in his decision to do that. You didn’t encourage him to do it. This could’ve happened over any woman they both liked, or really over anything at all. If someone is that quick to kill another person, they have serious problems and that’s 100% on them. I hope you do forgive yourself because you don’t deserve to feel responsible for something that wasn’t your responsibility.

  14. Megan Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I just want to first point out that your fiances death is 100% NOT your fault. It is not your fault that Will had disordered thinking. It is not your fault that Will killed him, regardless of the reason he did it, you had nothing to do with it. I know the anniversary of negative events can be pretty challenging to face, so just know that we are here for you if need anything. It sounds like you have already taken some steps toward healing by going to rehab (I’m so proud of you for doing that!), and I truly believe with more time and maybe some therapy that you will one day be able to forgive yourself and move on.

    Stay strong. I believe in you,
    Megan

  15. Harton.13 Volunteer

    Hi zelda,
    I am so sorry for what you’re going through. Everything you’re feeling is so valid, and I hope one day you’re able to let go of that shame because what happened is not your fault. It sounds like you’re already taking some great steps toward healing by going to rehab, sharing your story with us, and seeking out a therapist. You have already shown so much strength throughout this whole experience, and I hope you feel proud of that. I am so sorry that you didn’t get justice for what Will did to you, but we believe you and are here for you. Take it a day at a time and let us know if you need anything.
    Sam

  16. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Feeling like you are the cause of your fiancé’s death sounds like a burdensome emotion to have, but as others have said below, what happened was not on you. It sounds like Will acted on his own accord, and it was his decision to do that to your fiancé. It’s good to hear that you are currently in the process of seeing a therapist, hopefully you find it beneficial to coping with any feelings you have. Take care.

  17. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Zelda,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Your fiancé’s death is not your fault. That is all on Will. He bares the responsibility not only of that but also regarding what you went through. You are not to blame. Life is complicated, but he was who made those choices. That’s on him. But it’s okay to feel the way you do. Healing takes time and it’s rarely in a straight line. Just take things a day at a time. You are not alone. We believe you. Please let us know how else we can help. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  18. Erin Kaileen Volunteer

    Hey Zelda,
    I know how it is to feel like someone’s demise is your fault, but its not. You did all you could and focused on yourself first. It’s okay to take care of yourself first because you are the number one priority no matter what. What happened to him was the doing of some heartless person, not you. It’s okay to forgive yourself because in the end your fiance, may he rest in peace, would want you to be happy and not to feel guilt for something that you had no control over and didn’t know would happen. When you think of him just think of him being at peace, free of the addiction and pain, he will always be in your heart and by your side. I am always here if you need someone.

    Much Love,
    -Erin

  19. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, zelda. I’m so sorry you went through all of this. You are not the cause of his death. You are not responsible for your rape. I think you are amazing for surviving all of this. Many survivors struggle with shame and guilt, including myself, but it’s not your fault and you are not to blame. This shame and guilt can make it feel like you had a part in this, but it’s not true. The right person is in prison for murder. I’m sorry you didn’t get justice for what he did to you. Working through my trauma in therapy is helping me place the blame where it belongs. It’s a long process, but it’s worth it. Let us know if there’s anything we can do. We’re here for you.

  20. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. That’s a lot to deal with, especially in such a short time frame. Please know that absolutely none of what happened is your fault. Will made his own decisions, and your fiancé was unfortunately caught in those decisions. That is not your fault. I’m glad to hear that you went to rehab and were able to start working on healing. I saw below that you’re also working on seeing a therapist, which is great to hear. They’ll help you continue to navigate the path to healing and forgiving yourself. In the meantime, if there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you. Thank you for trusting us with your story. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  21. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there zelda,

    I am so sorry that all of this happened. It sounds like it was a lot to deal with. I am glad you were able to get into rehab and work on getting better. I saw your comment below that you are in the process of seeing a therapist. I think this is great! I hope it works well for you. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We know it can be difficult to share. You mention living with shame and guilt about what happened. I want you to know that this was not your fault. You can not be held accountable for Will’s actions. So please work on forgiving yourself. You deserve to be happy. Thank you again for trusting us. We are here for you and we are on your side. Come back to share more if you would like <3

    Sending love,
    -Natalie

  22. zelda Volunteer

    Erin,

    I’m in the process of seeing a therapist. I had an appointment scheduled for yesterday but because we’re dealing with a hurricane, I wasn’t able to go. But I do plan on rescheduling. Thanks for asking!

  23. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what happened. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. You are not at fault for your fiance’s death. It is Will’s fault, and his alone. I can’t remember, are you thinking about seeing a therapist or a counselor? I really recommend that-I think it could be helpful for you, and you may find healing and forgiveness for yourself. Thank you for coming back to share-we are here for you.

    Erin