The past few days have been tumultuous, but I’m feeling much better. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself in case I start feeling worse about this situation, and I want to let you all know what happened.
I was talking to my friend. I wasn’t planning to tell him I liked him, but it came out in conversation. He rejected me. He wasn’t as worried about my feelings for him as he was about the fact that I hid it from him. He wants me to fully acknowledge my feelings instead of suppressing them. There were some past events I thought I had moved on from, but I hadn’t. I let those things influence my interactions with him. He wants me to acknowledge these things. He believes we can still be friends and that we can get through this. I decided to take some time and space away from him, and I let him know.
When he first rejected me, it was very painful. I told some of the volunteers what happened, and they were incredibly supportive (thank you so much!). I told my friend and my sister. Everyone I’ve talked to has been so sweet, and I appreciate that.
I’m now recognizing that I can’t be friends with him while hoping for something different. By doing this, I’m not accepting the reality of the situation. I know this path leads to suffering because I’ve been on this path. I was saying we were friends, but acting differently. I’m working on accepting reality: we can be friends, but nothing more. He’s a good person, but he may not be the right person for me, and that’s okay. I’m using some DBT techniques to help me accept this. The truth is painful, but not as painful as living in a fantasy.
As I’m going through this process, I’m writing a lot. It’s my way of working through things so I won’t have all this trapped in my mind. It’s helping me think about things differently. I’m glad I told him because I don’t have to keep this a secret anymore. By working through these things, I’m facing the past head on, and I can set it free. I’m examining all this, and it’s helping me feel better. I think we can be friends eventually, but after I have some space and self care.
Everything else is okay right now. I’m adjusting to the new semester and different internship hours, and I’m doing my best in terms of working from home. I’m working on trusting the people around me, and I think this rejection helped me do that. I don’t want to cope with this on my own, and I’m starting to trust people again because of the support I’ve received. We’re going to start online Sunday School classes next week, so that’s going to be interesting. I haven’t seen my assailant, and I’m doing okay in regards to that. My birthday was a few days ago, and even though nothing has really changed, I feel like it’s an opportunity to turn over a new leaf. I’m excited to see what comes next.