it’s been about six months? seven months? since we spoke last. that’s good. i’m doing some healing and getting through what you put me through. i’m feeling a lot of injustice about how things turned out— you denying what happened and now me having to do all of this work and overcome all of this trauma that you inflicted while you go back to life as normal. that’s unfair. so i wrote this message in the hopes that it will make you think about your actions and feel regret and guilty for using and manipulating me.
things were never good between us. i wonder if you know that. i always felt so left behind and uncared for, and constantly changing myself so you would accept me. i guess it’s true what they say, we accept the love we think we deserve. i deserve better than you.
my therapist and i spent hours tracking back our relationship and honestly it was all bad. i wanted to be loved so bad and you were there for that, but i lost myself. i became who i thought you’d like, i left my friends, and you stayed the same. i don’t think you ever considered changing yourself to meet my needs. you didn’t call. you didn’t facetime. i would cry and you would ignore me for days. it was never a relationship. and then your mental
and that sent me on a spiral i’m still falling down. when you visited me two years ago this weekend, i had my friend bring us a whole bottle of fireball so i could get drunk enough to have sex with you because i knew you wanted it and wouldn’t take no for an answer. you didn’t want to meet my friends and you didn’t care about what i needed. and then i was so hungover and you were so mad at me for being so sick. it hurt so bad. and it only got worse from there.
i can’t believe i didn’t get out of this relationship when i could. i cannot believe how far i went into this abusive relationship. that’s what it was after all, toxic and abusive.
so i write this to say that i hope you’re not doing well because i certainly am not. i am constantly triggered by you everywhere around me and am afraid of seeing you. i feel sad and angry and guilty and want to scream at the injustice that you’re doing just fine and don’t have to heal. don’t pressure your next girlfriend or you’ll traumatize her too. ever consider why women who were pressured, coerced, assaulted want to be with you? patterns repeat themselves.
anyways, i hope that you are not doing well. it is unfair that you are allowed to live normally as if you didn’t put me in a corner of an abusive relationship at a time of extreme hardship for me. i laid motionless often crying while we had sex and said nothing because i was afraid you would hurt yourself. i hurt myself trying to save you. you did that. and you need to be reminded. do better. goodbye again.