This is a long one – sit tight. I am working on being more honest with myself and I don’t know a better way to share than with the community that I love and adore.
Some of you may know parts of my story, some may not. When I was a teenager, I had a lot more going on than I think I should have. I was over analytical, constantly searching for answers to life’s biggest questions, reading all the time, etc….all on top of being intensely empathetic. After my parents split up due to my mother’s affair, I was angry. I was angry with women. How could she do this to my dad? How could she do this to my sister and I? I was vulnerable and in pain. Confused and demanding answers.
The summer after they split, my mom’s friend down the street from my fathers house (a beautiful 30+ year old woman) took notice of my father being gone for weeks on end dating other women and trying to sort his life out. She started to invite me over to spend time with her. I didn’t think anything of it because I was lonely…why not. Over time, we bonded. Eventually, we developed a sexual relationship, thus losing my virginity. It was confusing, it felt wrong…but I was also a teenager. This was awesome and felt good.
Eventually, she up and moved away without warning. No message, no note, nothing. Disappeared without a trace. The first time I ever experienced heartbreak, was at 13 years old at the hands of a woman who groomed me and took advantage of my teenage lonliness and pain. I never understood and I still don’t understand. It’s caused a lot of issues relating to codependency and relationship insecurities. This is why when someone disappears on me or needs space, I can’t handle it. I get mad and try to control the situation and force them to talk to me. It’s ruined many relationships I’ve had, romantic and friendship.
I’ve done well over the years. Battling addiction, gang violence, suicide, the death of a lover, a best friend, PTSD, legal troubles, etc. I’ve turned into what I believe to be a good man. Yet, somehow, there are habits and insecurities I cannot shake that seem to ruin great things I have going on, and make me feel like I’m blessed with misfortune.
Fast forward to now. It seems like all the planets are in fucking retrograde with a full moon and all of the stars aligned to bring about the most bizarre and painful things for me lately. I watched a woman die in front of me in March in Cincinnati. I watched her take her last breath and the light leave her eyes after being brutally killed by an out of control vehicle. It’s been a downward spiral ever since. I have lost my best friend and my relationship. Lost a family member. I’m struggling in my job every day. As I am seeking treatment, continuous triggers seem to test me daily. Yesterday was the most exciting one and I don’t know how to feel about it.
After my relationship with the woman in my teenage years, I made a best friend at a new high school. I felt comfortable to tell him everything. I told him about my confused feelings about a sexual relationship with an older woman and how I didn’t know if I liked it. He proceeded to tell me “i get it man” and then spread rumors around the school saying I was a “faggot” and a “queer” because I didn’t enjoy my first experiences with sex and was confused about it. I was then branded a liar because there’s no way my “skinny little faggot ass could ever score with any chick”. Made life miserable for me for quite a while.
I saw this person for the first time in so, so long yesterday. He was serving me and my co-workers drinks. He said he was happy to see me like nothing ever happened. This person, who caused so many problems for me in my youth, was inches away from me looking me in the eyes and smiling. I felt myself becoming FURIOUS and felt the pain washing over me and the desire to reach across the fucking bar and smash his face into the floor. I’m glad I didn’t because that is illegal and would have not solved anything. As he saw my fury brimming in my eyes, his smile faded and turned to concern, and my co-worker grabbed me by the shoulder and engaged me in playful banter. I snapped out of it and felt better. BUT GOOD LORD I am still pretty tuned up about it.
All of this has me thinking so much lately about the changes I want to make in myself. Sometimes I don’t know where to start, but I’m glad I can share with all of you on this site for the support I’m not going to be ashamed of admitting I need right now. Thank you for reading this and I appreciate your time.