I’ve been going back and forth for years on whether or not I should share my story on here. It’s just a lot you know…
Where to begin. Well, I’m the youngest of a large family. I’m a male, if that matters. I grew up loved by my family. Only half of them were in my childhood home by the time I came around as the other half were off at college and what have you. I don’t fully recall how old I was when this event took place..maybe 6 or 7 years old.
One particular night, I had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. I went to go upstairs to be comforted by my parents; but when I got to their doorway I noticed that they were asleep. I knew I would feel very guilty if I woke them up, so I went to turn around to go back to my room downstairs. That’s when I noticed that my brothers room had a light on still, so I went to investigate. What I found, was my brother masturbating to porn, although I was clearly much to young to understand what was going on.
He eventually heard me, (or maybe I said his name?), and he panicked, tried to hide his dick and turn off the tv. He tried to explain what was going on…and somehow that turned into him talking me into giving him a blow job. I recall there being several occasions where he would ask me to put my mouth on his dick, and me being afraid of him and not wanting to get in trouble, I would comply. I don’t really remember how many times he asked, but it was at least 5 times I think….
The last time something like this happened was the worst. He came home from school, hot and bothered, and demanded I go in a room alone with him. That’s where he took off my pants, and started to have sex with my ass. He raped me. I remember begging him to stop because it hurt so much. Eventually…he did stop. I think, at that time, it finally dawned on him how wrong the situation was. He never did anything like that ever again after that incident.
I tried telling my mom what happened to me. My Mom, I would later find out, also had a similar thing happened to her growing up. She cried a lot when I told her, obviously. She couldn’t believe the same thing was happening to her youngest child. But, after a while…I think she just couldn’t handle the information I just gave her, so she said “I think he was just trying to show you what to do if you are ever in that kind of situation.” I knew she was wrong….I knew she was….but for some reason I just said “Yea, I think you’re right”. I just don’t think she could handle that kind of development, that kind of information when the same thing happened to her. So instead she just, pushed it out of her brain and acted like she never heard me tell the story. She never mentioned it again after that.
I decided not to tell my family. I saw how hurt it made my mom so I just decided to keep it to myself; until I got older that is. A few people know now. My oldest sibling (not the offender) knows for one…and they suggested that I go to therapy, which I’m still doing. When I told the oldest about what happened it felt like the weight of the world came off my shoulders. I literally felt like I could jump to the moon.. I think I’ve been going to therapy for 5 years now and I’ve had, what I would consider, great success with it. Past telling me to go the therapy however, my oldest sibling hasn’t really ever mentioned it again.
I told my, now wife, that it happened to me the first week we started dating. I think part of me was unconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship before it even began. To my amazement, she comforted me and told me that she was there for me if I ever need to talk, and to not hide anything from her. I don’t really know how I got so lucky when I met her, but she loves me and never looked at me for being anything less, even with my past. I knew I would marry her pretty early in our relationship.
I’ve told 2 other friends a very high level version of my story (not the same detail I’ve posted here). But again, I think they just took in the information and haven’t really mentioned it again.
I have my first child now, and as a father, part of me feels like I need to face my fears and tell the rest of my family. If not for me than at least to be a stronger person for my child. But…I’m afraid to tell my family, and part of me also doesn’t really know what the point would be to tell them after so long. I don’t want to split up my family with this information you know? I’m also not looking for revenge of any kind. I know most people would say to get the offender behind bars in jail…but I love his wife like family, she’s a sweetheart. And they’ve recently had a kid of their own…and the last thing I want is to have a child in the family that grows up without a Dad due to me. But part of me is also worried for their child, that they’ll encounter a similar event like I had.
I heard about this website one day at church and always kept it in the back of my mind. I decided if I want to tell my story, I could at least start here and see what happens. It may turn out that I never tell my family besides the oldest, just to keep the peace. But at the same time I want to express my frustrations with telling my family somewhere, so here I am.
I don’t really know what else to add now. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.