5th grade.

I was about 10 and I went over to my friends house. Their brother yeah i’d rather not talk about that. He started saying stuff like “if you don’t do this i’ll make you swollow a thousand needles” and stuff like that. He was about 18 or 19. I had to talk to the police and stuff about it, that was one of the worst years of my life. The kids at my school told me that i wanted it and that i deserved it. I stopped eating and stopped talking, i only talked to a few people. I was way sadder. I went by that year and then sixth grade comes around. People talked about how i wasn’t a virgin. Then made rumours about how i had shower sex with this kid. Every year i have to hear people at my school make rape jokes and it just makes me have flashbacks which makes it worse, i tell them to stop and they don’t. Now im almost 3 months clean and the last time i tried to kill myself was in august, i’ve gotten to meet the people that saved my life 3 times. My life isn’t the best but it’s way better then it was 4 ish years ago


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23 comments

  1. Kevin Casey Volunteer

    Say here what you went through he shouldn’t have done what he did and the kids at school should have been bullying you they should have stopped when you said stop if you have any questions or you need anything you always here to help thank you for sharing your story

  2. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m glad you were able to find us and feel comfortable to share with us. This a safe zone and you are always welcome here for support. It must take an incredible amount of perseverance and bravery to be 3 months clean ,please don’t ever get up. Thank you for sharing
    -Brianna

  3. zoeyb

    I am so thankful that you found us and were able to share your story. Know that you are valued and supported by every single person here, and that we see and respect you. We are always here to listen and support you in any way we can. We want you to be safe and find healing. It must take an incredible amount of perseverance and bravery to be 3 months clean, don’t give up!

    If you feel inclined, we would love to know things are and if there is anything we can do to be there for you.

    – Zoey

  4. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You absolutely did not deserve to be treated like that by your friend’s brother or by those in your class. I’m so sorry to hear that they made jokes that gave you flashbacks and made the healing experience even harder for you. You didn’t deserve that.

    It’s amazing to hear that you’re 3 months clean! That takes a huge amount of strength and bravery and I’m so glad to hear that you’re on the road to recovery. I’m also glad that you’re still here with us. This fight is hard, but it is possible. If you need any assistance, we are always here, but you can also text VOICE to 741-741 to get into immediate contact with a counselor.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s incredibly difficult and it’s stressful putting yourself out there like that, but we are so glad you trusted us enough to do so. I’m so glad you’re here and walking down the path to healing. Remember that it will be difficult, but if you keep fighting like you have, you will get there. Don’t give up. <3 If you want to, please feel free to update us on your story. We'd love to hear how you're doing and help you in any way that we can. Stay strong!
    -Jess

  5. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, IDontExist. I’m so sorry you went through that. You did nothing to deserve it – no one deserves to be treated that way. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are not alone. I’m so glad you are still here because it does get better. It’s a rough road to healing, but it is possible. You’ve survived so much already, I know you can get through this. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can text VOICE to 741 741 to be put in touch with a counselor immediately. You do exist, we see you, and you matter. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.

  6. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. I am proud of you for sharing your story and for your strength. I’m glad to hear that you are doing better now! You deserve to be happy. I hope that you are safe. We are all here for you and support you. Please never hesitate to reach out to us if you need anything!

  7. SAL Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. People can be so cruel, especially at that age. I know it’s hard to talk about, but talking about what happened could help in the long run. Let us know if there anyway we can help. It always gets worse before it gets better.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  8. jamie.lynn Volunteer

    IDontExist,
    First of all that you for trusting us with your story. I know it isn’t easy to open up about something like this and to be vulnerable to the world. I hear you and I believe you! You do exist.. you are here and you are stronger than you realize. We are here for you and want to help you in your healing journey. What happened to you isn’t your fault and nobody should have to endure the comments that have been said to you. Please let us know if/how we can help you! I am glad you are here, I am glad you are alive and I am happy you found our community!

    -jamie

  9. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for opening up to us and sharing your story, it takes a lot of courage. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Your friends brother had no right to touch you. Being much older than you, he knew it was wrong and he shouldn’t have taken advantage of you or threatened you the way he did. The kids at school had no right to bully you either, they can’t even imagine the pain you’ve endured. You are truly strong for continuing to push forward. Please hold on to that strength and courage and keep on pushing. And please know that you are never alone, you matter, and your feelings matter. We are always here for you.

  10. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t your fault. I am also sorry for how horribly others have treated you. You deserved to be supported, and I’m sorry that you didn’t get that. Do you have a good support system now? Is there any other way we can support you? Let us know-we are here for you. You can also text VOICE to 741 741 anytime.

    Erin

  11. Ashley Day Captain

    Thank you for having the courage to confide in our community, IDontExist.

    The kids from your school have no right to be disrespectful by saying cruel things or spreading rumors.

    Congratulations on being clean for three months. This is a safe space and we’re not judging you. Please know that it’s okay to only share what you feel comfortable with.

  12. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi IDontExist,
    I am so sorry this happened. You do not deserve to hear what they said to you. You are beautiful, strong, courageous, and overall amazing. Do not listen to what they told you because it isn’t true. I’m so proud of you for staying clean. I know how hard that can be. If you need anything you can always write back, use the “Find Help” tab on the top right corner of the screen, or text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help. We are here for you. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong!
    -Alyssa

  13. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hello there,
    First, thank you for trusting us with your story. It can be very difficult to share your story. You are very brave for doing so! I am so sorry that your friend’s brother took advantage of you. That is not okay and you did not deserve that! But on top of that, it was not okay for the other people at school to make you feel like less of a person. You are worthy, you are needed here on this Earth, and we are on your side. I am glad that you are feeling better and healing a bit now. Is there anything that we can do to help you with? We are here to support you anyway that we can! Please let us know and come back to share more if you would like anytime!
    Sending love and hope!
    -Natalie

  14. Solongago

    Hi IDon’tExist.

    First of all, You DO exist, and you deserve to exist. That crap wasn’t your fault at all. Children do not understand. Yes, yes, they can know they are being mean, but they do not understand. They shouldn’t have to understand or think about this stuff, not in the fifth grade or sixth grade. It doesn’t give them a pass on being mean, because they do understand that much. But, you can’t take the stuff they say to heart, because you know a lot more about this stuff than they do.

    I am sorry that that is so. You should’ve been running and playing without a care in the world. Unfortunately, few folks are that fortunate. That is just true. Nowadays folks deal with this, they deal with domestic violence, they deal with drug abuse and overdoses, and so much more. That doesn’t make it ok. But most of the folks bullying you have their own hurts. Because it is not normal for people to want to make others feel pain if they are healthy themselves. Some of the reactions to your story can be a reaction because of the fear of folks knowing something about them. Or it can be that they grow up with hurtful, bullying folks in their lives. The thing that is important is that you don’t believe what they say because it often says more about them, than it does about you.

    Is there anyone you can talk to and work with. If you are 9th or 10th grade now, are your parents aware of the suicide attempts? Are they getting you help? Is the help working for you? You have survived an awful thing, we don’t want to lose you. And you don’t deserve that.

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey IDontExist,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that someone you trusted treated you so badly. It must be so hard to listen to people making insensitive jokes/comments, but you are so strong for picking yourself back up. Besides talking to the police, have you talked to any other professionals? Maybe they could help you cope/give you advice on ignoring and dealing with the rumors.

    If you need anything from us, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We are here for you and we support you, no matter what. Stay strong!

  16. Zoe

    I am so sorry for what happened to you, and for the insensitivity you’ve been shown by those around you. Their reactions are ignorant and terrible, and you don’t deserve that. You also didn’t deserve what happened to you, and I hope that you know those kids are wrong–what happened to you was in no way your fault. The blame is 100% on the person who assaulted you. I know how difficult it must be to deal with the people at your school, but for whatever horrible things they say, just remember that YOU know what happened to you, and that we believe you. I believe you. And I hope you have people in your life who love and support you, who can help reassure you when others say things that hurt you. If nothing else, just know that we’ll always be here for you, to help support you in any ways that we can.

    Thank you for trusting us with what happened to you. I know how difficult things are, but please know that you can get through this. If you need any local resources for support, you can go to our “Find Help” tab, or check on rainn.org. Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.

    Zoe.

  17. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi IDontExist,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it. Children can be mean when they don’t understand and I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I’m proud of you for being clean I know how hard that is. We are proud of you and we are here for you your never alone. If we can help you any further please don’t hesitate!
    Kailey

  18. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am glad you are progressing and getting through this. I am sorry the school and the students weren’t supportive and the way they acted was not right. We are proud how far you have come and know we are here for you. You are not alone and we are rooting for you.

  19. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi IDontExist,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your perserverence is incredible and it is good to hear that you are progressing and getting through this. But I am so sorry that this happened to you and that the students at your school behaved the way they did. None of this is your fault; you didn’t ask for it. Just remember to give yourself credit for what you have accomplished. You have stayed strong for 4 years, you went to the police, and now you’re 3 months clean. This is all incredible. And before you know it, that 3 months will be much longer. You’ve got this, IDontExist. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. You are not alone. We are here for you and we are rooting for you. And, of course, we believe you. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  20. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi IDontExist,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you and that your peers aren’t sensitive at all. Those kids are wrong: you don’t deserve that, and it definitely wasn’t your fault. You did nothing to deserve this, and what happened is the fault of the perpetrator.
    I’m proud of you for talking to the police and for surviving. You’re healing from this, and that is an act of strength. You’re a valuable person who deserves to seek fulfillment, and life can throw some great surprises your way.
    You’re so brave, and I thank you for telling us your story. I agree with Megan; I think seeing a therapist could help you process what happened. We’re also here for you if you need anything from us, so please feel free to reach out. You are strong, and you can make it through this.

  21. Megan Volunteer

    Wow. I am so incredibly proud of how far you have come! Going through something like that at such a young age is really difficult, but you are still here and you are still fighting! 3 months clean is something you should be so proud of yourself for. I remember how hard the first couple months were for me when I was coming clean. Before you know it, you’ll be six months clean, and then a year, and then you’ll hardly even think about doing it anymore. And I am so glad that you didn’t kill yourself. Your life is valuable and there are so many things left here for you on Earth. You’ll never know what kind of experiences you are going to have. I tried to kill myself when I was in high school, but here I am almost 5 years later about to graduate from college and having traveled to Peru this past summer. And now I am so happy now that I didn’t succeed when I tried 5 years ago. You never know how your life will turn out. Take it from someone who has been there before: things will get better. I know sometimes it seems like it’s impossible, but I promise you things will start looking up.

    If you’re not seeing one already, I would suggest seeing a therapist. They can be extremely helpful in processing your past experiences and helping you move on and become the best self that you can be. There are also numerous resources under the “Find Help” tab on the website that I would suggest checking out! And of course you will always have us here for you if you ever need anything as well. You’re a fighter. I can tell just from your post how strong you are. You are going to go and do amazing things. I just know it.

  22. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am happy to hear you are doing better and healing. These things take lots of time, and that is ok; everyone goes at their own pace. Can we do anything else to help you or connect you to other resources? We are here for you always. Please feel free to reach out again <3

  23. Shenna2213 Volunteer

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so sorry that you’ve had such negative feedback on your experience…it sounds like you have not only survived, but persevered through it all and that’s amazing! And even though you said how awful it was to have to talk to the authorities…you still did it! It’s often easier said than done, but you also were able to set aside the things people were saying (even though it wasn’t without difficulty) and live! You’re alive and that’s what matters! You made it through and that shows strength, you did things you were afraid to do and that shows bravery! Never doubt yourself! Thank you for sharing and be proud of who you are and the person you are still becoming!