I don’t know how I made it through the past few days. There was a three day celebration for our church’s 25th anniversary. I had to go for all three days, and there were a few challenges.
The first challenge was my struggle to fit in. I’ve never really been close to the people in my age group. The relationship I have with the girls who are in my age group is weird. Sometimes they’ll talk to me (small talk), and other times, they won’t acknowledge my existence. I don’t care as much about fitting in with them as I did back then. However, the past three days were difficult because they were planning performances and hanging out with each other, and I felt like I was on the sidelines. Thankfully, a few acquaintances came to the celebration, so I was able to talk with them for some time. Even so, seeing the same people for three days (especially when you’re not comfortable with almost all of them) is exhausting.
The second – and main – challenge was seeing my assailant. I still can’t believe I had to see him for three days STRAIGHT. I wanted to tell my parents that this would be hard for me. I told them that I didn’t want to go (without explaining why because I wanted to see what their reaction was first), but they didn’t really regard it.
I don’t want to deal with seeing him. I’ve tried to explain this to my parents multiple times (and talk about how I feel), but they don’t seem to understand it. I felt like I was on my own.
I think the main feeling I had throughout it all was paranoia. He was at the back of the room during the performances, and I was near the middle of the room. I was trying so hard not to look back and figure out where he was. A couple of years ago (at a different event), I was looking back to find out where he was, and my parents got extremely upset with me about that. That’s why I was trying not to look back. I felt so on edge throughout the services and the performances, and my paranoia was on overdrive.
I was simply trying to survive on that last day, and I was so frustrated about everything. I wanted to take a nap after the service (on the last day), but my relatives came over early for Thanksgiving dinner.
I didn’t really get to relax until yesterday night. Last night was when I realized that seeing him for that long truly affected me negatively. I knew this, but I didn’t understand the extent of it. I felt this pressure on my chest, and breathing was difficult. I felt like my heart rate was faster than normal on those three days. Feeling that anger and stress wore me out, and my thoughts were all over the place. The stress was so bad that it affected me physically, and that scares me.
As of now, I’m recovering from the weekend. I’m taking a well deserved break to clear my head. I hope I never have to see him for three days straight ever again. I can handle one day, but three days in a row is too much. It’s hard for me to deal with not fitting in and with seeing him for that long.
I don’t really know how to feel about all this. All I know is that I’m fed up of seeing this guy, and I’m exhausted.