3 and a half years of hiding

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Let’s face it: high school can be some of the hardest years of our lives. But I never thought it would turn out as ugly as it did. But, hey, I guess it taught me that it’s better to just be honest about who you are. I started figuring out who I was in like seventh grade, I believe. Anyway, in the beginning, as with many other queer kids, I tried to hide it. Luckily, no one was thinking about dating yet so I didn’t need to have a girlfriend to help hide it. But by the time I was ready and wanting to date, I felt that I was comfortable enough to date whoever I want without having to hide it.

Later on, I found that that wasn’t really the case. At the time, I was in a long-distance relationship, and so a lot of the sexual desires were satisfied through sexting, nudes, etc. Sometimes, I think that this person, who we’ll call Ray, didn’t really have a good sense of when it was a good time to send things like that. Not that I ever objected to getting them; it’s just that certain times are better than others. For instance, while I was at school surrounded by 20 other people, was not the best time to get NSFW messages. In one of my classes in 9th grade, a classmate asked to borrow my tablet to check something, and it was a valid enough reason to need something with a screen and the internet so I went along with it. Coincidentally, Ray decided to send a text that was as NSFW as it gets. The classmate saw this and started asking me questions about it. The fear at the time shoved me so far back into the closet, I started trying to convince myself that I wasn’t gay. Not homophobic at all – I was still proudly supporting the LGBTQ+ community – just not gay. Needless to say, I ended up breaking up with Ray… on Christmas… the time when everyone is supposed to be enjoying themselves. It turns out that I’m not really into him anyway, but I just hate hurting people. It’s not in my nature and if I could go back in time and say no to dating him to save the inevitable pain, I would.

Fast forward a few months. I had recovered from the pain, but I was still too far into the closet to be dating anyone that I wanted. I was scrolling through Facebook, and I don’t remember how it happened – probably through suggested friends – but I found someone (we’ll call her Sarah) who had the same passion for horses as I did, and come to find out, she went to the same school as I did. I was a little surprised because I’d never seen her before. Or maybe I have and just never paid attention. Anyway, I started messaging her and we decided to meet up at school one time. We quickly became really close friends and it felt good, because I’d never been one to be surrounded with friends. I never asked anyone because I hated the off-chance that they’d either say no or say yes only to not hurt my feelings, I’ve always preferred friends to just come naturally. Anyway, back to Sarah. We were really good friends, and I even gave her suggestions as to where is the best places to take riding lessons and things like that.

After a while of us being close together quite often, people started teasing us and saying that we were dating. It slightly annoyed me but I mostly didn’t pay too much attention, I didn’t care. But eventually Sarah got tired of it and asked me if I wanted to start dating her. Part of me was telling me that this wasn’t right, but I gave in, and thought maybe if I actually started dating her, everyone would back off given that their words would no longer have any power. We dated for quite a while, up until early senior year of high school. Honestly speaking though, it never really felt like we were dating. It just felt like just a friendship that we called dating. To her, however, I could tell she really wanted to be with me. Once again, my instinct of not wanting to hurt people kicked in, and I never said anything.

The exact times of when things happened is kinda fuzzy in my memory, but I remember that during one of the years – in the winter – I had Sarah come over to hang out. All was going well, and then we decided to go to my development’s clubhouse. That’s where it happened. The thing is, I don’t think she was realizing that what she was doing was making me uncomfortable. How could she? I never objected, never said anything. It didn’t go far, but she had me sit on her lap, and I did. The next thing I know, she reached around and started rubbing my crotch with her hand. Again, she wasn’t aware that I was feeling uncomfortable and I was partially too surprised to actually say anything. I half-lied to her by just saying that we should stop before there’s a mess.

Come early senior year and I finally have the courage to say that I’ve been pretty much lying to her for 3 and a half years just to protect her but that I was really gay. Obviously we were both hurt. I have such mixed feelings about this because I know that she wasn’t TRYING to make me feel uncomfortable. That’s not who she is either, she genuinely thought that it felt good to me, and I just don’t really have the heart to tell her because since our break-up we’ve gotten a lot closer again. And it’s truly a lot better now that I told her the truth, but it’s just something that’s been in the back of my mind for forever now.

I’m now in an almost 2 year relationship with a man that I know cares about me, and I couldn’t be more grateful to him. He always asks before doing something involving my body.


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10 comments

  1. JamieMarie25 Volunteer

    Staying true to yourself is possibly the most difficult, yet rewarding thing we’ll experience in our lives, whether we’re in high school or still dealing with it.
    I’m glad you found someone who respects you and your body. Junior high and high school are tough times indeed, but we all learn and get through it, which you did.
    No matter what, we support you.

  2. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi there MetalGaymer,
    I cannot even begin to explain how happy I am to hear that you’re in a much happier, more comfortable phase in your life. High school really can be the cruelest years of our lives and the fact that you’ve come out the other end of those tumultuous times more content in yourself brings such a smile to my face. Nonetheless I am sorry to hear that it was a tough journey to get there. It takes a great deal of bravery to be truly ourselves and to be honest about who we are and for that I think you should be immensely proud of yourself. I know we all are!

  3. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    MetalGaymer,
    High School wouldn’t be high school if it didn’t give us these hard times. Honestly that’s what I believe that’s what high school is for. It sucks major tho that you had to wrestle with your inner self so much. And that you felt like you couldn’t be yourself. That other peoples bullying put you into a situation that later led to something that would hurt you and her. I am very glad to now you are free and happy that you can be you and proud and have a man who cares for you. And that is understanding and respectful. That is important. I also think it’s cool you have maintained a friendship with sarah. Glad you were able to share you story with us and maybe this put a little bit of ease the it being in the back of your mind. We are always here for you. Much love
    Kristin

  4. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi MetalGaymer,
    I’m sorry you had to deal with so much in high school. I’m happy that you’re able to be yourself and be in a healthy relationship. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to come out, and I’m proud of you for doing so.
    It’s great that you and Sarah are close again. It’s your decision as to whether or not you want to tell her. We’ll support you no matter what your decision is. If you need anything, we’ll be here for you.

  5. hehurtme

    Hey MetalGaymer,

    First of all I’d like to thank-you for the encouraging words of support and love/encouragement and positive energy when I shared my story the other day. It meant a lot!

    Secondly, high school was hell for me so I can relate quite a lot. I crushed on a lot of girls and then started to notice guys more and it didn’t help me at all. “Friends” still labeled me as really, really hurtful names and just always bullied me. The episode where I was publicly humilated and at the same time bewildered and terrified as to why an older boy lifted me up from behind and began to simulate humping me… I still remember that vividly.

    I’m sorry you went through all of what you’ve gone through :(. No one should EVER be subjected to all of that. I’m so GLAD you are with someone who GETS you and understands you and doesn’t use or manipulate you. That’s a BIG thing for us who’ve been hurt and abused/used, etc… I got out recently (last year) from a controlling and manipulating relationship. My ex boy-friend and I BOTH tried to control the way things happened and it spelled out doom for the whole experience. I mean he had good intentions and I know I did but we clashed way too much. Thankfully he never tried to hurt me or abuse me. He was in an abusive relationship (emotionally) with his first ex where the guy just used him sexually and that was the extent of it (for four years). He’s an awesome friend though and I’m happy to call him that.

    I hope/pray that you and this guy you’ve been going steady for almost two years with go even further!

    Love to you both <3

    – Shawn.

  6. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am sorry that high school has been such a tumultuous time-our culture and society has unfortunately been so unkind to the LGBTQ+ community. I am glad to hear you are in a healthy relationship. Have you thought about telling your friend how you felt, now that you are closer again? Do you think it would help? Whatever you decide, we support you-thank you for sharing with us.

    Erin

  7. rileyeren228

    Being honest with yourself and others is the best way to live. It keeps stress off of everyone and stimulates good communication. It’s great that you still get to be friends, and some things are just better left unsaid. Thank you for sharing and being a part of our community!

  8. Kristen Eby

    Hey MetalGaymer,

    I can understand why this is confusing and painful. I have dealt with several similar situations; in one, I realized recently (at age 26), I likely made a past boyfriend uncomfortable without realizing it, because I didn’t know as a teenager what I know now. In the other, a female friend of mine came to me because a man she’d hooked up with in the past had come forward to say it wasn’t consensual, and she was horrified and shocked.

    I don’t tell you this to make it about me, rather, to let you know you’re not alone. Although I don’t know you or Sarah, I suspect you’re correct in thinking she has no idea how her actions made you feel. However, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to feel uncomfortable, to feel hurt, to feel confused. Even if someone doesn’t intentionally cross our boundaries, the fact remains that they were crossed. Since you two are still good friends and this is bothering you, I think it’s fair to discuss it with her. If I were her, I would like to know so I could learn from my past mistakes and avoid doing so again; further, your mental health and closure is important, and you deserve to seek it out.

    I’m thrilled to hear your current partner is respectful and supportive. You deserve that kind of love! Thank you for trusting us with your story; I hope it helped some. Please come back and talk more if you ever want to. We’re here for you as you work through this.

    Kristen

  9. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hey MetalGaymer,
    I’m so happy that you were able to come out and be yourself. I know how hard it must have been to come out. It’s good that Sarah helped and cared about you that much to continue to stay friends with you and understand what you were going through.
    If you need anything else we are all here for you and support you.
    -Alyssa

  10. Jacqui

    Hey there,
    I understand your feeling, that is what happened when I was raped. He thought I was into it. but not saying no, doesn’t equal a yes. She should have gotten your verbal consent. I know it makes it harder to cope with in some ways, when it is something that you know cared about you and didn’t have bad intentions. I’m really happy you have a great partner now. That is so important.