Where do I go from here?

It's Jamie (again).It has been exactly three weeks since I left my ex boyfriend, and I just cannot help but play scenarios differently in my head...Like, could this have been avoided altogether? If I allowed him to calm me down instead of begging to get space, maybe I'd still be him with him in Ohio like I planned. Despite the gaslighting, the threats, manipulation, I love(ed) him. It's not his fault he had a traumatic childhood, which I told him constantly...all I wanted was for the two of us to get therapy separately (for different reasons, mine being the rape/molestation) and his for his severe anxiety attacks...how could two damaged individuals have a lasting, healthy relationship when our needs weren't being met? Without him, I just don't know what to do, or have no clue where I'm heading in life...and if he came back, I'd try once more to give it another go...people think I'm "trauma bonded" or downright crazy for saying it, but nobody saw the good in him like I did...

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Raw

It’s like someone threw my heart and mind into a blender. I don’t know if I have words today. It feels really difficult to write – or do anything really. All I know is that this hurts, and I might need support to get me through. He was reading the bible today. It was about… Read more

Tenth post

I guess another update may be due.  Some things have changed, some of stayed the same.  I had another flashback, something i hadnt remembered before, right in front of my boyfriend and it was very embaressing. I was in a bit of a fugue state when i came to, I didnt know where i was… Read more

Climbing From Rock Bottom

I started doing drugs when I was 16 years old. There was a boy I was dating, he was older and smoked pot all the time. When he offered it to me I knew there was no way in hell I could turn it down. You know how impressionable we can be at that age…. Read more

episode 78, it’s getting real.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on my threads.  I do read them all and take a lot of advice, and appreciate the support.   When I began this journey, I knew I was doing it without a spouse, boy friend, whatever, and the family that I do have can’t really participate.  It is… Read more

Confused

I just wanted some feedback because I’m not sure how to feel about some of the events that have occurred in my past.  I have been sexually assaulted before. A few times. All by people I knew and trusted. I either did not consent to sexual acts or was unable to stop them, and they… Read more

When it started

molested …I never had even heard the word. Seven was the age the word I knew nothing about became my reality.  I had this antique lamp made from a doll.!her dress was pure white and flowed down to her ankles. The sleeves long with tiny little lacy gloves. Her hair blackish brown everything down to… Read more

Self Harm

 Hi. I shared my story briefly before. I come back to share some more. I have been keeping something to myself for a while. I shared this with my therapist, but I feel like I need some extra support to help me through. I shared on here that I was abused in all ways possible… Read more

Blood On My Arm

Hi everyone. I’m doing fairly well. This memory has just popped up and I wanted to address it. I don’t have a lot of memories about the event honestly. It was a really weird experience. Back in November of 2016 I was living in an apartment with my three kids. My husband was living out… Read more

the story of assaults 1&2. but it doesnt end at 2.

THE FIRST TIMEwe met in a public place. we bought pizza. i dont like pizza much. i cant ever eat from that chain again. we’re back at my place in the living room on my sofa, eating said pizza. you start looking at the photos on my phone.  i was aware i had some lewd photos… Read more

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